The Invisible Burden: Why Women Sacrifice Self-Care and How Families Can Change It

Across cultures, women—particularly mothers—are expected to prioritize the needs of their families above their own. While caregiving is a vital and noble role, this dynamic often results in mothers consistently sacrificing their own self-care. Social narratives then label these changes as “neglect” or “letting themselves go,” rather than recognizing them as the outcome of unequal caregiving responsibilities and the invisible mental load. The Myth of “Neglect” Physical appearance changes after motherhood are often attributed to women “failing to care for themselves.” Scientifically, this is misleading. Studies in family psychology show that when mothers lack time for self-care, it is not due to laziness but because their time and mental energy are disproportionately consumed by caregiving, household management, and emotional labor. Self-neglect in mothers is usually not a choice; it is a structural consequence of unequal caregiving distribution. The Mental Load and Gender Roles Research in sociology highlights the “mental load” or “cognitive labor” of parenting—planning meals, monitoring safety, scheduling appointments, anticipating needs. This load is predominantly carried by women, even when both partners are employed. Fathers may spend time with children, but mothers are often the ones actively monitoring and anticipating their needs. Examples include: • A father can take a shower without negotiation. • A mother often needs to “arrange coverage” or ask for permission before taking 15 minutes for personal hygiene. • Fathers may “babysit” only when mothers are absent, while mothers are assumed to be on duty 24/7. This imbalance creates chronic stress and eliminates opportunities for women to invest in their own health and well-being. Why Self-Care Matters Self-care is not vanity or luxury. From a medical standpoint: • Physical health: Regular hygiene, exercise, sleep, and preventive care reduce risks of chronic disease. • Mental health: Time for oneself reduces risk of depression, anxiety, and caregiver burnout. • Family health: Children benefit when mothers are emotionally regulated, rested, and model balanced self-care. The absence of self-care is not trivial—it is a public health issue. Redefining Responsibility To address this imbalance, families and societies must shift how they define responsibility: 1. Equitable partnership – Fathers should not be “helpers” but co-parents, fully responsible for active caregiving without being asked. 2. Time equity – Mothers need uninterrupted, guilt-free time for personal care. 3. Cultural shift – Stop labeling mothers as “neglectful.” Instead, recognize their sacrifice and advocate for structural supports (flexible work policies, parental leave, childcare access). The narrative that mothers “let themselves go” is harmful and untrue. What appears as neglect is, in reality, evidence of deep sacrifice and systemic imbalance. True partnership means creating space for mothers to prioritize their own well-being without guilt or negotiation. A mother who has time to care for herself is not selfish—she is healthier, stronger, and better equipped to nurture her family. Family devotion should not be measured by how much mothers erase their own needs, but by how families work together to ensure everyone—especially mothers—thrives.